I start off by mentioning that I completely knew what I was getting into when I started this novel. I had read enough negative reviews and mocking blogs to be prepared for the horrors that lie between the covers of this er-novel. I read it anyways. Call it morbid curiosity, call it a death wish, whatever you want.
As you may or may not have noticed, I did, in fact, rate this novel negatively. I have never rated a novel below 0 before (yes, even FSoG or Twilight). The reason behind my rating will (obviously) be in my review, but I wanted to point out now that this book actively offended me. Yes, she who has an immaturity level of a 12 year old and uses vulgar language without restraint is offended. Not easily, but it’s possible and P.C. fucking Cast seems to have hit the mark perfectly.
As I am so disgusted by the senseless drivel P.C. Cast has spewed from her hateful, ugly, repellant mouth, I will set this review up in a way I’ve done a few times before. My issues list.
Issue #1: And probably the biggest issue I’ve had in this book, is the way the author treats the topic of rape. At an early point in the story, Zoey stumbles upon a student performing fellatio on another. The boy was pushing the girl away and she forced herself upon him.
Later, when reflecting on the incident, Zoey comments to herself about how easy some girls are (not her, of course) and how guys should not use girls like that. I’m sorry… did you not hear him say no? Did he not actively attempt to push this girl away?
Rape is not a topic I like to face too often, but it is just as much sexual assault when a girl does it to a guy than vice versa.
Issue #2: Zoey is 100% irrevocably and completely a Mary-Sue. Which only makes it worse that she is based off of the author’s daughter almost entirely. Even her career goals are the same.
There is a point, about 65% into the book, where Zoey is completely confirmed in her Mary-Sue-ness.
“”Zoey! This is amazing. I don’t think there’s ever been a High Priestess who felt all five of the elements.” She nodded at my Mark. “It’s that. It means you’re different, and you really are.”
This quote alone makes it official. No good writer should have such an obvious Mary-Sue. This is one of the reasons I am shocked and appalled that this book was published at all. For the other reasons, read Issue’s 1-5.
Not to mention, she is extremely hypocritical. She calls other girls sluts, ho’s, hags (that terminology shouldn’t even be used in a novel.. see Issue #5) and is in turn, much worse than said girls. I’ve heard this gets worse in the following novels.
And shallow. Zoey is shallow. I want to punch her shallow self in the shallow fucking face.
“Okay, I admit that I hadn’t liked Elliot-no one had. The kid was annoying and unattractive.”
Stop. Just stop. Someone being unattractive should NEVER be a reason for you not to like them.
Issue #3: I took it upon myself at one point to make a list of things Cast has ripped off of Harry Potter. Here it is, summed up.
1. Main character is nerdy, but cute.
2. She wears geeky glasses.
3. She has a special mark on her forehead that no one else has ever seen before ever.
4. She has a geeky, weird, and unstylish best friend (who happens to be the first person she met at the school)
5. She has a smart, brainy member of the opposite sex as one of her best friends.
6. She has two ‘twin’ friends who finish each other’s sentences.
7. Her enemy is popular and into dark magic.
8. Said enemy attempted to befriend main character before she became friends with her current group.
9. Has a pet that is better than everyone else’s.
10. The school is split up into 4 sections.
11. Her loyal friends show up in the end to be her sidekicks while she ultimately saves the day, and is rewarded for it as if she had done it singlehandedly.
12. The ending is MASSIVELY CORNY.
Those are twelve similarities between this novel and our beloved Harry Potter. Twelve. I would have more if I had stretched it a bit. But, twelve. Really?
Issue #4: I wanted to vomit at Cast’s writing. The spelling and grammar were horrendous, and her awful attempts to sound like a teenager resulted in a exaggerated prose of teenage whoredom. Not one single person in the world talks that way. Not even Paris Hilton (who you seem to hate so much). Name dropping will be brought up later.
And now, for some amazing quotes to further accentuate how terrible this teen prose is. Some of these are taken straight out of my updates.
“(I wish I had great boobs.)
“Huh?” I said. Speaking of boob- I was totally sounding like one. (Boob… hee hee).”
“”Stupid boys” I echoed and smiled at her. If she thought boys were stupid, she and I would get along fine.”
Sorry, I forgot the protagonist was seven fucking years old.
“”Oh, no…” I whispered to myself, “it would be just my luck to get a raging case of diarrhea”.
NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT! NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT DIARRHEA. FUCKING GROSS. NO!
“a crystal goblet that was filled with something that looked suspiciously like red wine. (Huh? Wine at school? What?)”
Not one page ago, Zoey commented on how she expected there to be blood to drink at dinner. Is she really that slow that she can’t remember her own through process? Or maybe it’s just that she is so fucking stupid, she can’t put two fucking things together. Vampires. Blood. Vampires. Blood. ARE YOU MAKING ANY CONNECTIONS?!
This is a vouch for the awful writing, the goddamn author can’t even keep her own thoughts straight. And no one talks like that! Even in their heads!
“…the typical cafeteria servers handing out food from behind buffet-style glass thingies.”
Thingies. You can’t make this stuff up.
“”I have urine that needs to come out of my urethra.”
If you drop the term ‘urethra’ in daily conversation, I am not your friend.
“Me gusta it de compras. (I like shopping.)* No me gusta cocinar. (I don’t like to cook.)** No me gusta lavantar ell gato. (I don’t like to wash the cat)***.”
I added the asterisks.
“I really hate it when girls do that. I mean, yes, she’s older, but I have boobs, too.”
And there we have it. What every teenage girl has been wondering their entire life. To seem older and mature, all you need to have are boobs! I’m so glad the wonderful authors of this book were able to clear that up for us.
Issue #5: Every other sentence, Zoey and her friends drop the words ‘hag’, ‘ho’, or ‘slut’. Those are not okay terms to use in a novel, even if you’re trying to sound like a vain, hurtful little fuck.
And the name dropping. OH GOD, THE NAME DROPPING. Every other sentence, Michael Kors, Paris Hilton, or Ashton Kutcher was dropped! Not to mention The Amazing Race, Project Runway, and Gucci. I don’t want to watch TV ads, I want to read a fucking novel.
Those are my main issues with the novel. Of course, there are plenty more, but my review would be way too long if I included all of those. Just imagine the worst novel you’ve ever read, and multiply the horribleness of it by 7. Then imagine there are eleven sequels. ELEVEN!
And of course, I will read them because I like to torture myself.